Assepted

Hey everyone.

At the start of the year I sat and wrote down a goal. To compete at the Mars Diamond League in late May. The event marks the start of the Intergalactic season and is highly regarded as one of the most prestigious events in the history of events.

To compete on Mars I set out races that, if I performed to my usual standard of excellence, would hopefully put me in a position to represent Earth.

·        Top 5 Nepalese International Championships – Finished 13^th

·        Top 5 German Championships – Finished 6^th

·        Top 10 Amsterdam Track Classic – DNS

·        Top 10 Oslo Athletic Meeting – Finished 18^th (first Australian, 2^nd Male)

I set out these events in order to gain entry but by the time the team was selected I had just missed out (due to the high capacity of elites wishing to take part). After many tears and calls to my father I had just come to terms with miss selection, when last night I was phoned by EARTHIS Performance Director Pat McRotch explaining I had been given the final position on the start line in Mars. I couldn’t believe my phone ear and was truly elated to be representing my home planet.

Mars diamond league is on the 33^rd so I will leave Norway on the 14^th and should arrive around the 22^nd or 23^rd. Arriving on Mars a week before the race will give me enough time to acclimatize to the temperature and Carbon dioxide. My altitude tent should prove its worth as I have been introducing carbon dioxide into the mix over the last few days. That probably explains the suffocation and black outs but it will all be worth it come race day.

This will be my longest flight to date so I hope I don’t have to sit next to any fat people. I find I can’t sleep next to a fat person without earplugs as every breath they take sounds like they are choking on a scrotum. And that is not an image I want to fall asleep too. The very sight of them make me ill, fat people I mean, not scrotums. Well both of them I guess.

I better get ready for tonight. I have a date with Ivana. We are going to see Kill Buljo, a Norwegian parody of Kill Bill. Between you and me let’s hope Ivana lives up to her name after the movie, or even during, I wasn’t that much of a fan of the original anyway.

Train hard,

Fig.

Hot Norwegian Night..

Hey folks,

Last night was the Olso Athletic Meeting.

I don’t normally enjoy a track meet in which I’m racing. I hold off my arrival until about 30min before the race. Just enough time to check out the surface and choose which spikes to use. I have a collection of over 7,000 spikes for all of the different surfaces we athletes have to face so this process can take a bit of time.

The conditions were relatively hot in the twilight of yesterday afternoon so I decided a warm up was not needed. Huge fields of runners were present in all events with me lining up next to the great Norwegian Thor Arsebjorn for the 3000m, my 2^nd pet event.

I forgot to start my Garmin but went out hard. Using the setting sun as a guide to time I calculated my splits as, 30 for 200, 62 for 400 all be it with Thor on my heels. I tried to settle down and went a little too slow with Knut screaming out a 70 next lap! I believe we went through 1km in 2:44 but I could be wrong. The 2 km went by in about 5:47.36 and Thor cruised past very easily. I was struggling, my arms felt weak and I had run mostly in lane 2 as we were lapping the gigantic field after only 600m. I decided not to kill myself so I backed off to continue in my comfort zone with no last lap push. The very thing I’m renowned for. Thor ran 8:13 but hasn’t been injured and did a much better warm up than myself. I’m happy with my 9:09 as I know I can run well with more intervals. I placed a credible 18^th in what was a field of well credentialed Norwegian masters athletes.

It’s back to training tomorrow with Ivana so very much looking forward to that. I hope it’s warm again and she wears those short tights of hers. Everything hangs out. Then again the cold weather also has its ‘perks’.

Fig.

Q&A

Hi everyone!

I have been getting a lot of questions from various people on my website and on the street, so I have decided to answer all of these at once in a blog post to save me time. Hope you enjoy learning a little more about me.

Who are you?

What? Where have you been for the last 3 years! Just joking. I don’t expect everyone to know who I am, even though most runners do.

I’m an elite runner from Australia training for the upcoming Inter-world championships next September.

What is your present state of mind?

I’m quite laid back at the moment. I do get frustrated from time to time with fat people but I’ve learned to keep it down here [points to abdomen]. I’m very down to earth and love to spend time with myself. At least 3 minutes alone at the computer is sufficient.

Is your Inter-world 2012 training on track?

Do you read my blog? Obviously everything is fine. I’m nice and healthy and have so far competed in the Nepalese and German championships placing 13^th and 6^th respectively. Hopefully I will get a race next month and test myself against the formidable athletes of Northern Mars.

When did you last miss a training session?

I’ve never missed any training. The only thing that stops me training are injuries, when I go for coffee with mum, when I have dirty training gear, when it’s raining, when its windy, when I’m tired and when I have an important race coming up and need to rest. You can’t be the best and miss training.

Are you jealous of anyone?

No not really. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and think “I wish I had those teeth” then realize it’s me and that I do in fact have them.

How much is a litre of Milk in Norway?

I don’t know who you think I am. You will have to ask my maid Louisa. She does most of my shopping. All I buy are personal items that, If Louisa bought them, we would have a very awkward relationship. She is 120kg and it just wouldn’t work out.

What is your hidden talent?

My good friends and I back home rap to each other before our races. I’m pretty good at it.

What was your nickname in high school?

Danger-Ross. A combination of the word “Danger” and my middle name “Ross”. The two thus combining to make a name very similar to “Dangerous”

If I knocked you on the floor right now would you have sex with me?

No Louisa.

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Well those are most of the questions I have been getting over the past few months. Some are way to vulgar and I don’t want to stray too far from running.

I’m off to catch up with Burt and his bird beard for a coffee. The stories were true!

Cheers,

DangerRoss (Fig)

Noway, Norway!

Hey peeps.
Blogging today from Mørsvikbotn, Norway!!! SOOO beautiful! I’ve traveled here by dog sled over the past few days with Bert from Amsterdam. Turned out to be pretty difficult without any snow, but I couldn't pass up the opportunity. I've always had a love of abusing animals for personal gain.


< Photo of my workers

I'm here training with my new coach Knut Louse and his group of athletes. There are High Jumpers, Shot Putter's, Pole dancers... um, vaulters etc.

He holds a degree in Sport Science so he looks after a lot of different athletes.

I have trained probably the hardest I have in a long time whilst in Norway. Each day we start with a V02 Max test. My numbers are pretty good, I hit 89.3 or something, I can’t remember exactly.
After lunch we head to the wind tunnel to make sure my aerodynamics are improving especially after the episode in Germany a few weeks back. Around 2pm we have a nap in the Altitude tent and then head to the track for the afternoon session. 8-10 30sec stretches.

I have never stretched before I arrived here but it is doing wonders for my fitness. Today’s session was 8x30sec calf stretching (with a partner). My partner for the afternoon workouts is Pole Pole Vaulter Ivana Fucyurdikov. She is here from Warsaw working on her flexibility with Knut. I'm enjoying working with her as she is quite the looker. She will most likely ask me to a foreign movie this week so I’m looking forward to that!
I will put up a picture of her working the pole for you all when I can. It’s just magic to watch.

All good on the injury front, I healed up from surgery really well in The Netherlands so a special thanks goes out to Dr. Nibbelke and my favorite Amsterdam coffee shop “Mellow Yellow” (for easing the pain).

I best be off, I have to go and ice the absolute shit out of my legs so I can have a good stretching workout tomorrow.


Stretch hard,

Fig.

Fate

Hi everyone.

Fate is a funny thing in this universe of ours and whilst it has dealt me "ass to mouth syndrome", I have met the most interesting person in this small hospital in Amsterdam. Let me type it out for you. I'm sitting in the café minding my own business, reading the latest Men’s Journal magazine. Sitting on the table directly opposite and slightly to the left of me just happens to be the great Norwegian coach Knut Louse (pronounced 'loose'). He has recognized me and kindly invited me to test out his group in Norway after my recovery.

I know he has coached some cyclists in the past and also has a sports science degree so I have no doubt he will help me on my cause towards the 2012 Inter-world’s. 

I will leave Amsterdam on Sunday morning so that gives me some time to do some sightseeing. I hear Amsterdam is famous for its homely cafés and window shopping, so I will no doubt go in search for the best local coffee and a souvenir for my sister Melia this afternoon.

Yesterday Dad was called into work for a few weeks so he has taken the balloon to company headquarters in Zurich. This means I will have to find my own way to Norway. Dad is the CEO of a large steel company who specialize in the small hard sphere’s that, when rolled, dispense oil based ink from ballpoint pens. If it wasn’t for him and his company a ‘ballpoint pen’ would simply be called a ‘pen’.

Being the son of a ballpoint pen sphere maker has its perks. Obviously I receive many top of the line pens from company’s dad supplies his 0.7mm balls too. Company’s like Parker, Waterman and Montblanc. I’ve luckily never had to use the, well, let’s face it, ‘poor people pens’ that are tied up at the bank. Quite frankly I don’t know who would want to steal one of those grubby pens anyway. I will always personally carry my trusty Montblanc because you never know when it will be needed.

Just the other day I was approached by a young fan for a signature, he would have only been 11 or 12 years old but before I could grab my Montblanc he persisted to thrust his half chewn school pen in my face. He was obviously an orphan so I humored him and used it. Never in my life have I endured such a poor writing experience. Luckily it was only a short note. I was soon on my way stroking the shaft of my Montblanc in my pocket to get the ‘bad taste out of my mouth’. To many onlookers this stroking may have looked rather odd having just signed an autograph for a young boy, but I assure you it was the shaft of my Montblanc.

Well, I’m off to meet a man by the name of Bert who is also traveling to Norway. He might have a spare seat that I can occupy for a small fee no doubt. From what I’ve heard he seems like a very interesting fellow. People have told me he has a family of birds that live in his beard. This is something I have to see for myself.

Train hard,

Fig

Recovering

The operation was a complete success!! It turned out after doc cut me open it was a quick stitching of the ATM (ass to mouth) tendon. 30 minute operation all up. Thanks to EARTHIS for covering costs!

I'm now in the recovery ward but still very groggy. I have to say, with these Dutch nurses I wish I had ATM syndrome just one more day! LOL

Nurse Dykterd:

-----Sent from eye-phone-------

All jokes aside I'm glad to be on the road to recovery. I have had my Altitude tent shipped to the hospital along with my PS3 (www.playstation.com). I’ve been playing Nazi zombies whilst in the tent and I can tell you at 5000ft its quite a workout getting to all those windows!

Playing PS3 (www.playstation.com) all day, whilst quite enjoyable, won’t get me to the top of the podium. I also have my ALTER-G anti gravity treadmill next to my bed so I can still do most of my running without any sudden impact. Sudden impact, now that’s a good movie. Clint Eastwood is a great actor. I loved him in Unforgiven, "Go ahead, make my day" has to be one of my favorite movie quotes. Personally I would like to see him in more roles as an actor, don't get me wrong, he is a superb director but those steely eyes and gritty persona are best felt in front of the camera's I feel.


Anyway, yes my Alter-g anti gravity treadmill works in much the same way as the NASA astronaut testing machines. I just turn it on and away I float into zero gravity. No weight bearing on my ATM tendon means for a quick recovery.

Me on the ALTER-G ANTI GRAVITY TREADMIL MACHINE:

A nice alter-g session I completed this morning was 40x20 seconds @ 16.83332 km/h. Sounds easy but remember I am still coming back from injury and also in my tent at 5000ft above sea level!

Well I best be off. I have my hourly temperature check from nurse Dykterd and in Europe it’s not done under the tongue ;) One of the many perks of being an injured Elite Runner.

Fig

disappoint..ed

Hi world.
Disappointed is the title that comes to mind as I type this post. At the moment I’m blogging at 10,000ft from my dad’s hot air balloon on a flight from Düsseldorf to Amsterdam. You might think a balloon would be very slow but keep in mind the time it takes to get through airport lines and terminals etc. Unbeknown to most people Ballooning is the most efficient way of travel and quite frankly I need to be in Amsterdam A.S.A.P. Dad’s balloon is perfect for travel in continental Europe.

I guess you’re wondering “what’s so disappointing about a balloon ride, Fig?”

Well as you have probably read in your local paper I have become injured. I have a ruptured ATM (ass to mouth) band and need surgery on it right away. Initially myself and EARTHIS (earth institute of sport) thought it was a niggle and did some physiotherapy for a few hours but now it’s blown up. I'm on my way to Amsterdam to see the EARTHIS surgeon Dr. Henry Nibbelke to get the operation underway.
I met Dr. Nibbelke (Nibbles as his friends call him) when I was staying with my old coach Filippus Oosterhoff. I hope I don’t bump into him while I’m there. Awkward!

In other news I'm sad to report I have fired Iva Schmalldich as coach. Becoming injured with "ass to mouth" last week has given me thinking time and we have mutually decided to part ways. I have had the best time in Düsseldorf with him but I simply can’t afford to get injured like this again. He will remain a good friend. 

I better go, we are about to land and I can’t really type as I have to man the Gimbal. For those few who are unaware of what a gimbal is, it basically enables me to aim the flame to avoid overheating the envelope fabric.

Train hard for me.


FJ

PS: Some people have tried to get in contact with my manager Dick. His website is richardcravin.com. Not dickcravin.com as some people have thought. Unless you are into homosexual bondage pornography, I would advise against dickcravin.com

SPONSORSHIP ANNOUNCEMENT

So it has been a while since my last post but here is a small update.


I am excited to announce that I will be wearing COCKSOX swimwear for my water running sessions while injured. The new leopard skin enhancer swim brief will be available in Australia soon, so CHECK EM OUT! Special thanks to my manager Dick Cravin for sealing this little deal.


       Pro Runner Fig Jam says -

"With an above average utensil it’s often hard to find well made swimwear for my rigorous water running sessions. At last my search is over having discovered Cocksox! Thanks!"

From yesterdays photo shoot:

Even though I'm no model it’s nice to get away from training for a few days!!

In other news, I have been invited to a running gait seminar in London on June 17^th so I will be heading over for a couple of weeks. I better start looking for a new coach for the few weeks that I'm in the UK. 

If anybody knows anyone with a human movement degree to coach me, let me know in the comments.

Train HARD,

Fig

Hallo!

I arrived in Dusseldorf, Germany from Monaco yesterday and thanks to my coach Iva Schmalldich was entered into the German winter 5000m champs that night! This was a tough race due to the fact I was severely jet lagged from the travel from Monaco. I'm still so excited I was able to get through without any shoelace or bug problems. My NORMA TEC Recovery machine can help with recovery but unfortunately it can’t help with Jet-lag. That doesn't mean don't buy one right away!

The race was an irregular 4 laps due to the track being 1250m instead of the IAAF approved 400m. My coach and I didn’t know this until shortly before the start so I continued with my race plan to attack with 4 laps to go. This turned out to be a tactical error and I found myself running from the front. It was a very breezy night and I sensed my energy was somehow becoming depleted around half way. I finished a credible 6^th in what was a field of many Europeans due to the locality of Germany in Europe.

After the race we watched the video and saw that my aerodynamics into the wind were all wrong and this, we believe, cost me the title.

The race isn’t the only thing I have been doing in Dusseldorf. It is a Wunderbar (wonderful) place! I have spent the last few days finding an apartment and have been successful.

My parents happen to know the count so this is where I will be living and training in my build up to the Inter-world championships.

I know it looks nice but it doesn't have heating or proper plumbing. I guess that’s what I should expect from a 16th century castle.

If you squint, you can see me waving from the 3rd window on the west wing.

I have been training really well with Iva's group. As we have just started winter base training obviously we spend most of our time on the track. At this level of elite running you can’t get away with steady training during base. You will lose your edge if you don't stay sharp.

Yesterday’s session was:

10min warm up

15x300's running 35 leaving on 15mins

5min easy jog warm down

This was a toughie but good solid training for the 5000. 

I best be off. This afternoon I’m meeting coach Schmalldich and my manager Richard (Dick) Cravin for a regular coach/athlete/manager meeting. We will discuss the last few days of training and new sponsorship deals coming in. I can tell you I'm close to signing with COCKSOX Swimwear but we will have to wait and see till after the meeting. If it’s a go ahead remember you heard it here first people. Right now I'm DESPERATE for a coffee.

Keep training, 

FJ

Bio

While in Monaco for a few more days I thought it would be a good idea to elaborate a little about my childhood and upbringing and how it has played an important role in getting me too where I am today.

I was apparently a full time job as a toddler back in Rose Bay Australia, where I was born. My day started at about 5 am when I climbed out of my sleeping quarters, tottered to my parents retreat and gently prodded my mother's arm until she awoke to make me my regular morning babyccino. 

Having always been a morning person, training for elite sports seemed like the perfect way to start my day - the other end of the day hasn't changed much either - rarely am I up past 7.30 pm.

My primary school years were spent at King's College, a sharp contrast to the poor schools of Sydney's west. At the demands of our parents my sister, Melia, and I joined the local Athletics club to keep boredom at bay and distinctly remember our sweaty hair freezing on the short walk back to the Mercedes after the morning’s training. Apart from superb comfort, there wasn't too much to recommend a Mercedes of the late 1990’s. 

My efforts to stay active during class were not particularly well received with notes being sent home complaining about my fidgeting and the undoing of nuts and bolts holding my classmates robotic arm together. He was involved in a serious car accident which caused the amputation of his left arm. I have recently caught up with him and while he was bullied harshly in primary school he is now having the last laugh, and I quote “My girlfriend loves my stump after a few beers”. Either way I have moved up in the world and I now dismantle vintage cars my father and I collect.

What I thought was serious run training was nothing compared to my introduction to High School. We trained during the school holidays and were signed up for the 'NSWLST' (NSW Legendary Schools Team), at that time coached by Kev (hairy) Busch, a fitting nickname due to his rather boisterous beard. 

It took about one day to realise that we were training at a very leisurely pace in primary school and due to the camaraderie of the nswlst squad my name would forever be changed from Figgot to Fig.

Athletics has greatly enriched my life. I have seen many interesting parts of both Australia and the world that I probably wouldn't have otherwise visited. Well, I probably would have.

I have met some truly inspirational people, both rich and poor. I have many friends who are surprisingly good looking, even though they went to slightly less expensive schools.

I have received untold generosity of support and encouragement from mum and dad and I owe my highly successful career to them.

I hope you continue to follow my journey.

Train hard friends,

Fig